Mastering the art of asking favours: strengthening relationships without strain

Asking for a favour is a delicate art that, when done correctly, strengthens relationships and builds trust. 

However, when approached poorly, it can strain even the strongest of connections. 

Whether within families, friendships, or professional relationships, how we ask for help matters as much as the favour itself. 

Missteps often result in frustration, resentment, and an overall feeling of being taken for granted. The right way to ask for a favour shows respect, gratitude, and consideration, while the wrong way can leave people feeling annoyed or exploited.

The Wrong Way to Ask for a Favour

1. Assuming Help is Guaranteed: Assuming that someone will help simply because they’re a friend, family member, or colleague can come across as entitled. Statements like “I know you’ll do this for me” or “You’re my friend, you have to help” ignore the other person’s time, energy, or boundaries.
2. Not Expressing Gratitude: Failing to acknowledge the value of someone’s time or effort diminishes the favour. If people feel unappreciated, they are less likely to help in the future.
3. Being Vague or Deceptive: Asking for “a little help” when the task is far more demanding feels manipulative. Transparency about the effort required avoids frustration or miscommunication.
4. Using Guilt or Obligation: Guilt-tripping someone—“After all, I’ve done for you”—or emphasising obligations damages trust. This approach may get immediate results, but it strains the relationship over time.
5. Repetitive or Imbalanced Requests: Constantly asking for favours without reciprocating creates an uneven dynamic. If a person always feels like a resource rather than a valued friend or family member, resentment can grow.

The Right Way to Ask for a Favour

1. Be Polite and Direct: Use a respectful and straightforward tone. For example: “Would you mind helping me with this?” or “I could really use your advice or support.”
2. Acknowledge Their Effort: Show appreciation for their time and energy, both when asking and after the favour is done. Saying “I know you’re busy, and I really appreciate this” validates their effort.
3. Be Specific and Honest: Clearly explain what you need and what it entails. Honesty ensures the person can assess their ability to help. “It would take about two hours, and I completely understand if you can’t.”
4. Make it Easy to Decline: Always give people an “out” to avoid putting pressure on them. “If you’re not able to, I completely understand—no worries at all!” helps them feel valued, not obligated.
5. Offer Reciprocity: While favours are often done freely, offering to return the kindness in some way makes the request feel fair and balanced. “If you ever need anything in return, please let me know.”

For Those Who Feel Used: Expressing Feelings Respectfully

If you feel like someone consistently takes advantage of your willingness to help, addressing it is crucial to restoring balance. Here’s how to communicate your feelings:

1. Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns in a non-accusatory way to avoid defensiveness. For example, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by how often I’m being asked for favours. I need to set some boundaries.”
2. Be Honest and Firm: Gently but firmly explain your limits. “I want to help when I can, but I don’t always have the time or energy.”
3. Offer Alternatives: If possible, suggest other ways you can support them that feel more manageable. “I can’t help with this, but I can give you some advice or resources.”
4. Highlight the Importance of Balance: Reinforce the value of mutual respect and reciprocity in relationships. “I really value our relationship, and I want it to feel balanced and fair for both of us.”
5. Stick to Your Boundaries: If someone continues to take advantage despite your honesty, it’s okay to say no without guilt.

Conclusion

Asking for a favour the right way shows consideration and preserves trust in relationships. By avoiding entitlement, guilt, and imbalances and instead focusing on honesty, appreciation, and mutual respect, we can strengthen connections rather than strain them. Equally, if you’re on the receiving end of unfair demands, expressing your feelings respectfully and setting boundaries is essential to maintaining healthy, functional relationships. Relationships thrive when favours are seen as acts of kindness—not obligations.

If this article has inspired you to think about your unique situation and, more importantly, what you and your family are going through right now, please get in touch with your advice professional.

This information does not consider any person’s objectives, financial situation, or needs. Before making a decision, you should consider whether it is appropriate in light of your particular objectives, financial situation, or needs.

(Feedsy Exclusive)